Just what are some of those constant, explosive, thoughts?

Let's see, what am I thinking now? How much more can I blog while putting off all the work I have to do for work tomorrow? HA!

What have I been thinking? Well, right now, my biggest struggle is my work. Ok - I'm all for women who have families, kids, AND jobs outside the home. Whatever is right for any women and their families is the right choice for them, and damn the people that judge what they think is right. Who are we to be judging others decisions for what is best for their whole families anyways? Dr. Phil has already stated that SAHM's have the equivalent of 2 full time jobs. VERY fair statement. I beg to ask though - where does that leave me? Being a working out of the home mom, does that mean I have the eqivalent of THREE FULL TIME JOBS? Four? Someone give me some data on THAT, please?

Until motherhood came along, my current job was my LIFE and life's passion. It currently is my life. It is the type of job that is 24/7. I'm always planning, making calenders, studying work, writing, reading, always on call, and constantly under SOMEONE's spotlight, whether my "charges", co-workers, or superiors. Vacations? HA!!! Work is always on your mind. Short days, long summers? DOUBLE HA!!!! Great pay? Stand aside before I puke. Support from others? Not always. You are usually on your own for way too much. And yet, I did it willingly and with passion.

I have GREAT friends at my work - but not in my department. In fact, in my department, I find myself having a mental complex of where I fit in. I feel like I don't fit in, nor feel included. I'm never asked to department gatherings (all of the females in the group are best friends, and are always together. I don't fit in with them - both self inflicted because I had self confidence issues around them and can be timid and mousey and who wants to be around that, and also kept out by them as well. Before, I dealt with it. I had time for my other GREAT co-workers and could hang out with them outside of work, and at work. It made up for all my insecurities in my other work relationships. I felt like I had worth around them.

Then came motherhood.

Now, as the years go by since motherhood - I work to help support my family. It is a decision made for the best interest of my family. All the time I had pre-motherhood to work at home went away, and all my time at work is now totally spent on work - not eating or visiting or venting with friends. All my home time is spent with my family because I feel guilty having to work so much, as well as getting more certifications for work on my own sparse free time. I'm fighting to spend more time as mom at home, and a wife, and heck - a friend to those I love, and I'm getting more and more isolated at work to accomplish this. When I do make the time to get out, see dear friends, and work friends, the more I feel behind in my work, the more stressed I get AT work, and the more time away from my family I get. It's a double edge sword - take time for me becomes a stab in my own heart later, and more stress. So I try to use faith to overcome, and silence to put it behind me. But in the last month, I'm finding if something didn't change, I'd lose it all. So, if I can't change my stress, maybe I can change my silence.

I want to be home, I want to be a full time mom. I'm missing too much. I'm missing being more of a mom, tired of being a more absent wife in so many ways. My time is so fleeting and its flying by. I know SAHM's have the HARDEST job that is also 24/7 with no breaks and only kids as company - but I'm ready to tackle that for a while, then return with new passion to my current full time job in a few years when I have time to fill and time to dedicate the emotions that go into it.

Aside from the young people I'm in charge of, whom make my day worth it, I feel dead at work now. It is VERY bad. I dread Mondays, and have to take my life one day at a time or I get overwhelmed and want to cry. The workload, the pressure to succeed, to make the best projects and tactics, to meet the standards of my department co-workers and department head, fills me with dread. I don't have the passion to go above and beyond anymore. I just work till time to go home, and leave. I'm becoming the worst example of what someone in my profession can become. I hate it, yet I'm feeling so overwhelmed and overworked, I feel like I'm out of options.

I'd quit, or take a sabatical - but I currently have to work, and believe it or not, I'd really hate any other paying job. I HAVE to have the contact with the young, and the subject matter of my work. I've tried other things - and I was miserable, more than now, as the work hours ticked by. It's not what I physically do for my job that gets to me - that part is GREAT; it is all the extras that come with it. At least when I'm not around my co-workers, or thinking about the pressures of my job, and in the element with the young - the time FLIES. I'm animated, happy, and expressing my passion.

The issues, the darkness, the sadness come into play when the day is over, and the paper work begins to keep up with it all, or a meeting starts, or I feel like an outsider in my department when I'm with them, or another thing to plan comes up, or I get evaluated....get the picture? I don't have time in my day to take a break, to visit with the people who do like me. So it adds up. Otherwise, it is fine.

Being silent about it, trying to act all strong, is what I've been doing. And yes, I admit, I think I am strong. Stories about health issues in my family and the faith we battle it with would testify to that. But the silent part wears on me and not having a place to blog about it. So here I am, coming clean. Now I bet one can see why I'd never want anyone who enters my work building on daily basis to read this...

Maybe my dream will come true soon?