*GASP*

First off - thanks to all the comments to the below entries....sorry I've been AWOL - it's been busy lately. Welcome to all of you!!!! Welcome to a dose of reality, my style.

Next....the point of this brief, but important entry....

For the first time in months - MONTHS - (ok we've had some, but mostly the "mercy" type for him after all he's been through and done for me....I've just been too tired to be "all there" - I've even fallen asleep once.....WHAT THE HECK???!!!!) my husband and I had a ROMANTIC, INTIMATE, AMAZING, Friday.

I got off work early, and we were pretty much alone most of the afternoon because of
"nap schedules" and OH. MY. GOSH. I was so not stressed, and feeling in love, and feeling like I did pre-motherhood....it was incredible.

We took our time....drew it out...never said a word....and it was all LOVE and passion, in sync (hense no words needed), natural, new, adventurous....

The evening after bedtime was much of the same....it was amazing. It was like all the stress and crap was GONE and we were back in the early days. The intimate side of our marriage needed that....badly.

The rest of the weekend brought back reality - but we still could hold on to those moments....and could look at each other slyly, with a wink and a smile and a touch.

I'm still smiling.

It's Hard Work to be Positive

I always have heard it takes much more energy and muscles to frown than to smile, so why am I so tired from trying to be upbeat and positive all the time?

Let's see - still haven't recieved the news we've been dreaming of, and on top of all that - my parents came back into town, chock full of info after being with their friends all week, and had more "advice" for us - depressing advice.

Let me state for the record that I truly value other opinions, especially our elders. I truly believe in honoring them as well - especially our parents. And I know this blog probably fails to show how much I LOVE my parents, and how close we are to them.

Maybe that is why their words hurt more? We feel like we are worrying them too much, or letting them down? I think when we try to respond to their concerns with "ok, thanks, we'll work on that and we'll be ok" - they assume we are not listening them, being naive, or making mistakes. Maybe we are - but I swear we do listen to them....but the 'repetitiveness' and the worry that comes with their comments are stress I can't take easily, so I say things back as nicely as possible to make them stop which makes them say we are being young and not listening to their wisdom. It scares me also about parenting - how can I be there for my kids when they are in their adult years and not make them feel this stress and pain that I and DH feel? I cry so often over this.

Basically, they came back with all this advice from their retired friends thinking that DH is flagged, and will never get a job, short of begging, because of being so sick and missing so much work. They think we should realy look at other options of jobs, and we are in denial that he'll ever get a good enough job that I can stay home. They think his interviewers find out his father never finished paying his college tuition and don't like him for that. They say they also find out DH missed tons of work from illness. They think because DH does computers, and not what his major is (music) that companies don't like that either. They are trying to get DH to look into other careers, and he isn't ready to do that. Maybe they are right....it sounds possible.

They keep telling me how sorry they feel for me (I don't need that expressed to me, just makes me feel like I'm letting them down), they feel bad that I married a man who has no family (lots of dysfunction) and just make so many comments to "help" us, but I feel broken down by all they say. They RAVED about him before I married him....then things changed. They claim to love him now, but also make so many sad comments about their faith in him. It tires us out to live as wisely as we can. My parents are in our heads now....every decision we make....because we know somehow, they'll mention it later.

I struggle - are we not listening to good wisdom? Are they coming on too strong? I just want to do what's right.

I also think, and my mom agreed on the phone, we may try to live with them a month or so, but we'll also look for a tiny, $$ saving, one bedroom apartment. I think it would help all our nerves, plus keep DH and I feeling like we are doing some things on our own, and not using their generosity. Yes, we could use a few months off from house payments and rent like they offered, but I'm not sure about our stress level. My dad is going to be 82 this year (he DOES NOT look even 70 - he jogs 3 miles a day, does tennis, drives fine, takes care of a 2 story home, he flew lear jets till 75 when pilots in their 20s an 30s could not get the special tests passed...etc) but his age is catching up to him, and gets colds easily, and my mom can get stressed, frustrated, and upset easily....especially when it comes to me or any of her kids.

Anyways, I just feel so depressed over all this, and my faith fluctuates in this waiting game of DH's job. Are my parents correct and we just have not accepted a very dark frustrating future? Are they being too worried?

All I know is we have never felt more stressed, fought as much over what he is doing and capable of doing, and just trying to find a way to get us back on track. When we make plans and our own decisions, we are never worried about the future (is that being blind or naive?)....but get stressed, upset, and fight after any conversation with them (BTW, we're fine...no worries on our marriage - but daily stress like that just is so sad, you know?).

I'm so tired of this....so depressed, and staying upbeat and full of faith makes me feel so tired. It's hard work gosh darnit!!!

A Disclaimer...

If you are finding yourself here, you may want to scroll down and start with the 1st entry - but here is a disclaimer:

I am managing just fine. This is just a place for me to vent or come out with things I didn't want others to stumble on that are at my workplace or extended family. Plus, writing things down can make things look worse than they are....how one feels can be worse than the actually situation...hense why 3rd perpective is always helpful.

This is just my therapy :) Thanks for being here. Thanks for your view on this journey we share!

I'm tired....

I love my family...my parents....my husband adores my parents, but we hate their comments. I preface this list with please don't judge my parents. I know them better than you....and I know what they do is out of love - it just comes out wrong at times with certain subjects. And I have told them how their words affects us. But after a period of time, it returns. They are older and it happens. Any advice is welcome, just try to also see my overprotective parents side. I can't change them (I've tried) so what can one do?

~I'm tired of my mom always vocalizing her saddness at my lifestyle. I'm stressed at my job, NOT my marriage, or lifestyle.
~I'm tired of my parents blaming my husband for our current lifestyle.
~I'm tired of my parents feeling sorry for me.
~I'm tired of my parents always judging my husband.
~I'm tired of my parents always stating their concern for the wellfare of our offspring because mom works - lots of moms work and their kids turn out great. Don't judge working moms!!!
~I'm tired of my mom (whom I knows does it out of love and words it wrong) tempting me to blame my husband for all this.
~ I'm tired of my mom saying "I don't know how you do it."
~I'm tired of my mom complementing my strength, yet basically implying my husband has none, nor the work ethic I have.
~ I'm tired of my parents always sneaking in a comment - even when I ask them to stop. It's like that get it that it hurts me and stop, then they can't help themselves after some time has passed.
~I'm tired of my parents always worried about my husband's health and that he'll die at any time (hello!! We all can!).

I'm just tired of the peanut gallery.

I do love them unconditionally, and admire them, and know they love us so much. I know my mom says what she says because she was a young widow once. She's been there, and wants me to "be prepared." I'm my dad's only "little girl" and he is getting older and worried about all things.

I just get tired.

Just what are some of those constant, explosive, thoughts?

Let's see, what am I thinking now? How much more can I blog while putting off all the work I have to do for work tomorrow? HA!

What have I been thinking? Well, right now, my biggest struggle is my work. Ok - I'm all for women who have families, kids, AND jobs outside the home. Whatever is right for any women and their families is the right choice for them, and damn the people that judge what they think is right. Who are we to be judging others decisions for what is best for their whole families anyways? Dr. Phil has already stated that SAHM's have the equivalent of 2 full time jobs. VERY fair statement. I beg to ask though - where does that leave me? Being a working out of the home mom, does that mean I have the eqivalent of THREE FULL TIME JOBS? Four? Someone give me some data on THAT, please?

Until motherhood came along, my current job was my LIFE and life's passion. It currently is my life. It is the type of job that is 24/7. I'm always planning, making calenders, studying work, writing, reading, always on call, and constantly under SOMEONE's spotlight, whether my "charges", co-workers, or superiors. Vacations? HA!!! Work is always on your mind. Short days, long summers? DOUBLE HA!!!! Great pay? Stand aside before I puke. Support from others? Not always. You are usually on your own for way too much. And yet, I did it willingly and with passion.

I have GREAT friends at my work - but not in my department. In fact, in my department, I find myself having a mental complex of where I fit in. I feel like I don't fit in, nor feel included. I'm never asked to department gatherings (all of the females in the group are best friends, and are always together. I don't fit in with them - both self inflicted because I had self confidence issues around them and can be timid and mousey and who wants to be around that, and also kept out by them as well. Before, I dealt with it. I had time for my other GREAT co-workers and could hang out with them outside of work, and at work. It made up for all my insecurities in my other work relationships. I felt like I had worth around them.

Then came motherhood.

Now, as the years go by since motherhood - I work to help support my family. It is a decision made for the best interest of my family. All the time I had pre-motherhood to work at home went away, and all my time at work is now totally spent on work - not eating or visiting or venting with friends. All my home time is spent with my family because I feel guilty having to work so much, as well as getting more certifications for work on my own sparse free time. I'm fighting to spend more time as mom at home, and a wife, and heck - a friend to those I love, and I'm getting more and more isolated at work to accomplish this. When I do make the time to get out, see dear friends, and work friends, the more I feel behind in my work, the more stressed I get AT work, and the more time away from my family I get. It's a double edge sword - take time for me becomes a stab in my own heart later, and more stress. So I try to use faith to overcome, and silence to put it behind me. But in the last month, I'm finding if something didn't change, I'd lose it all. So, if I can't change my stress, maybe I can change my silence.

I want to be home, I want to be a full time mom. I'm missing too much. I'm missing being more of a mom, tired of being a more absent wife in so many ways. My time is so fleeting and its flying by. I know SAHM's have the HARDEST job that is also 24/7 with no breaks and only kids as company - but I'm ready to tackle that for a while, then return with new passion to my current full time job in a few years when I have time to fill and time to dedicate the emotions that go into it.

Aside from the young people I'm in charge of, whom make my day worth it, I feel dead at work now. It is VERY bad. I dread Mondays, and have to take my life one day at a time or I get overwhelmed and want to cry. The workload, the pressure to succeed, to make the best projects and tactics, to meet the standards of my department co-workers and department head, fills me with dread. I don't have the passion to go above and beyond anymore. I just work till time to go home, and leave. I'm becoming the worst example of what someone in my profession can become. I hate it, yet I'm feeling so overwhelmed and overworked, I feel like I'm out of options.

I'd quit, or take a sabatical - but I currently have to work, and believe it or not, I'd really hate any other paying job. I HAVE to have the contact with the young, and the subject matter of my work. I've tried other things - and I was miserable, more than now, as the work hours ticked by. It's not what I physically do for my job that gets to me - that part is GREAT; it is all the extras that come with it. At least when I'm not around my co-workers, or thinking about the pressures of my job, and in the element with the young - the time FLIES. I'm animated, happy, and expressing my passion.

The issues, the darkness, the sadness come into play when the day is over, and the paper work begins to keep up with it all, or a meeting starts, or I feel like an outsider in my department when I'm with them, or another thing to plan comes up, or I get evaluated....get the picture? I don't have time in my day to take a break, to visit with the people who do like me. So it adds up. Otherwise, it is fine.

Being silent about it, trying to act all strong, is what I've been doing. And yes, I admit, I think I am strong. Stories about health issues in my family and the faith we battle it with would testify to that. But the silent part wears on me and not having a place to blog about it. So here I am, coming clean. Now I bet one can see why I'd never want anyone who enters my work building on daily basis to read this...

Maybe my dream will come true soon?

I need another outlet please!

Ok, following at least 2 people I know, I needed to create a place to talk about things that are heavy on my mind, and very real to me, that in the other place I would not say. Sure - I'm VERY real about my life in my other blog, but there are certain things I could not be open about. Why could I not be as honest in my other blog? Well, very bluntly - my job. I do check blogs at work, and it would be VERY easy for either a co-worker, or young mind, to find it. With the pictures on it, the names - how could I ever talk about sex with my husband (or lack of it), my current feelings about my job, some of my passions that I would not want certain minds to know, my desires, use certain language when I'm pissed, and some of my dreams. I just need to feel more free. So, I find myself here.

I can tell having a more anon outlet has been helpful to some, so I though I'd jump in. I might even make a few entries before going public - I don't know. In any case - fill free to add me to a blog roll, or not, please just don't add names. Who knows if co-workers or young others will find the blog circles and go surfing.

Anyways, that's my reasoning. Oh - and for the name of this blog? "Explosive" does not mean I'm ready to go on some rampage lol. It's how I feel - all my life I've always felt like I have so many ideas EXPLODING in my mind, ideas running at once - but I had to maintain silence. Here at least I can ramble those silent, explosive, diverse thoughts. Fill free to ride along. If anything - at least I'll get my thoughts out whether or not one decides to read and comment. Don't worry, I'm used to the silence.