So? Think I'm FAT?

Take a good LONG look at me in my bathing suit (I've always liked skirted suits cause I've ALWAYS had HORRIBLE thighs, and yes, flabby arms to match - ALWAYS, even at my thinnest - also, skirts help hide my post baby, broken veins and bruising upper thighs)

Yes....these are NOT brushed up....not touched up in ANY way. This is me, arms and all.

Front View: (Careful, you may need sunglasses with my "fair" skin lol)



Side View - like my spider veins and flabby arms (oh yeah, and the skirt hides a TON of cellulite - I mean I could really donate some to starving botox patients in Hollywood and still have some to spare I have so much!!!)?


Here are my STATS:

~ currently on 5-11-05 - 148 lbs

~ Post baby weight before
weening from breastfeeding - 137 lbs
(I swear - weening made me GAIN!)

~Pre baby/Wedding weight - 135 lbs

~ lowest I got using e-diets.com
in March before moving 140 lbs

~ After move, eating out/
eating comfort food, not working
out enough ~ 148 lbs

~ Weight on my driver's licence
the past 8 years 130 lbs ;)

~ Goal weight when finished with lifestyle "makeover" - 135 lbs.

So - before reading on - how bad, or how good, do I look to you??

Now - let's read more into my story....

Ok, so in March of this year, my clothes were feeling tighter and lo and behold, I found myself tapping out at 148 (I was in the mid 150's in college - my heaviest, and lost the weight senior year to 135 lbs) so I got thought I'd work on myself to keep myself in check. I didn't feel horrible...just wanted to stay in control - either stay the same, or lose...but nothing more than 12 - 15 or so pounds.

I joined e-diets (which I recommend for any person watching their $ but wanting some guidence - GREAT programs!!!!) to become a better eater on the go, and did pretty well - I lost eight pounds. Then came the move, and honestly, I haven't been that happy and chose comfort food over healthier choices, plus did not make my regular gym appts. So, around 2 weeks ago, I started keeping a log again and working on my weight. Nothing had really changed, but Wednesday night we went out to eat with family, and apparently, the top and pants I wore were tighter, and my mom noticed. Since then, she has flipped out.

It must just be the fact that summer clothes reveal more, as obviously in the winter I was 148 and I never had any comments then....and I gained the 8 pounds back before now...so I'm lost to a reason she starts on me now, other than it is summer.

~ She has told me this is the biggest I've been and I have to stop.
~That my dad has even commented I've gotten bigger
~ that I've eaten too much fruit (too many carbs)
~ to many breads (ok, I can agree - breads and grains are GREAT comfort foods)
~ comments on foods around me - today I packed a lunch for the offspring, and was packing crackers. My mom grabbed them and said "See, THESE are YOUR problem." I looked at her and yelled "THEY ARE NOT FOR ME." I was beyond PISSED.
~I'm working out with too many weights, so my arms are expanding when I do work out.
~ that I'll be happier thinner.
~ that she'll love me no matter what, but she doesn't want me to throw my life away. for food.

Am I wrong here, or should she be supporting me in another way?

She is obviously scared I'm going to do become bigger - but at this point, unless I throw all excercising out the window and only eat junk, that won't happen. I really think 148 is my cap for a while - but who cares if I do a bit more? I'm not obese, or even near a chronic overweight measurement. I could understand an intervention at that point for them to make sure I'm around for my kids, but for now, I've gained some and I could simply be trimmer, and it is MY struggle and one I recognized already. I was trying to work on it already.

At this point, fill free to tell me if I'm just blind, and really need to lose weight - I mean seriously. Maybe I'm wrong for still feeling sexy around my husband? Let me know if I have serious health problem....

The "problem" is - I feel pretty good about myself. Sure, I'd love to shed a few pounds (who doesn't, I mean that honestly - unless you need to gain a few as some do, or are a dieter who reached their GOAL) but otherwise, I still feel good.

I was happy with the 8 pounds I lost, so I know I CAN do it, so I've been kind of cruising. Now I've gotten back into it after moving and seeing my stress level has not been helped by eating. I'd rather be more active. Plus, people (including my mom, which SO confused me...1 month ago when I said I was changing eating habits said "Oh you look fine, don't overdo it...be careful!!!") have said I look great. So, my motivation was low since I was ok with me, and people were ok with me (though it really should be about what I feel - not the world).

So, really, the only reason I want to lose any weight, is to just work on having a healthy lifestyle, and the by product of that is a trimmer me by a few pounds. My clothing size should not even change!!! It is about me and my decisions.

So why do I feel so PISSED at my mom's comments if they go with what I want for myself currently?

Maybe I'm just pissed at my mom making this about her it seems. If she can't fault my hubby more, let's fault me? The shitty thing is now I'm scared if I do lose the weight I want....or just become healthier like I want....she'll just attribute the success of that goal to HER and her comments. Whether we live her, or move out, she'll assume that if the lifestyle change is made.

Have you ever seen the Steve M*rtin movie, "Parenthood"? There is one scene where the really skinny fit sister comes home from working out to her hubby Rick M*ranis and he gives her a hard time about her wanting to have another baby, etc and when he leaves the room she goes to her closet, opens a secret box of junk food and digs around for a cupcake and STUFFS it in her mouth while glaring in his direction, gesturing "Take this mister!!!"? Well, if you have, that's how I felt ALL day. In fact, I enjoyed some more comfort food today while out visiting with other family while the whole time I mentally flashed the finger at my mom with every bite. Yeah...immature choice, but I wanted to do something SO not what she wanted or could control....(and NO - I did NOT binge eat...or will this decision making become a problem for me personally) But...there IS something wrong with feeling like I wanted or needed to do that.....healthy choices should not come because of that type of pressure.

So I guess that is the subject of this blog entry. The delicate balance of being both happy with myself, plus wanting to make some healthy changes that have a pleasant bi-product with the fine line what is "fat" and "who considers us fat." Am I blind, does she have a valid point that is coming out wrong and I don't want to hear, that I can't see the flaws in the pictures above, is she crazy, am I crazy?

As women (or men reading) where is the line? I'm sick of what society says, what magazines show, what movies portray. What type of commentary is helpful? What do I need to hear?

I may feel flabby in places, flutter in the wind at times in public when I wave, and have looser skin in places - but I feel damn sexy most of the time. I'm now on a personally driven journey to make a few changes if you care to join me. I'd like to take back my life THANK YOU VER Y MUCH from the world and society, and my mother. But I want your honest outlook too. Go ahead, let me here it.

Think I'm fat NOW?

Things You May Not Know About Me *EDITED*

ok - I'm pissed, because when I posted this list....it got lost. DAMN!! The "recovery" feature found some of it...I'll have to do my best to bring the rest back from my memory.

Inspired by reading some past entries, I thought I'd try to work up a list of my own:

Things You May Not Know About Me:

I'm 27 years old, but sometimes when people ask me my age, I forget and say a year younger lol.

I have a lot of nicknames that go with my name.

I LOVE what I do for a living, but wish for a break sometimes to have a chance to raise my children.

I love singing and being in musicals or singing casually with friends! Karreokee (sp?) is FUN!

I love my husband - God was wonderful is sending him to me. I feel very blessed in my marriage. Like some - I feel I have a rare and blessed marriage.

I'm glad I was friends with my DH first before we dated.

I was raised very sheltered and my parents still have a hard time letting that go.

I was never allowed to date (dances - yes, groupdating - yes, but not really alone date) so many of my first boyfriends were more "wild." Maybe in rebellion?? My parents never knew I dated them. I always had crushes on "nice" boys, but they always saw me as a friend and never dated me.

For me dating more "wild" guys - I never did more than french kiss them. Makes me wonder how wild they really were lol!

My first kiss was in back of the organ (we were hiding out during a church picnic) with one nice, but wild guy. It was awkard lol.

Aside from one homecoming dance, I always had to ask for my dates to dances.

My first boyfriend committed suicide in college. We were together though in high school.

I am a major Daddy's girl. I love my dad, and admire him. He is a war veteran and I'm patriotic because of him.

I love traveling - I'll go ANYWHERE.

I love planes.

I love car trips - did I mention I love traveling? :)

I love learning about other cultures!!!

I love living in a big city, but have always loved small towns.

I love a sense of community.

I'm FIRCELY loyal to my family and friends. I can sometimes come on too strong. I love people I care about so much (so readers beware lol). I really treasure my friends.

I want to nurture those I love sometimes to a fault. I can be annoying I fear.

This past year has found me, in my opinion, not being the best friend to people I could be. I've been exposed to friends and friendship that has HUMBLED me. I am blessed.

I never had any real friends till high school. I was the class/school scapegoat for 8 years.

I think I'm a better person because of my painful past...I think I'm a better friend, and I know my kids will be better people because of it too. I will not stand for that crap!

I finally dated in college - I had some serious boyfriends, and some werid ones too! I had a few "first dates only's" as well.

The only boyfriend I have ever been intimate with was my husband.

I love anything historical. The feeling of history in a place, story, object thrills me!

I have been playing the violin since I was 5. I used to be much better than I am, now I never have time to practice like I should.

I studied violin in Japan briefly.

I attended the same summer music academies as Josh Groban and Jewel.

I was in the World Youth Symphony Orchestra for a summer - it was an INCREDIBLE experience.

I have a double major in music and history.

I have to battle at showing my smarts. I feel I am a very smart person, but in high school I barely made a 900 on my SAT's. Thank God my college also looked for "well rounded" students.

I did better in college than in high school academically. I made Dean's List every year and "Who's Who."

I am doing much better in grad school as well.

As a person of history, I really find it annoying how we refer to ourselves as "American," when Canadians, Central, and South Americans are entitled to that as well. We do not own the term! I also disagree to how our goverment labels race. I think it perpetuates things we need to overcome! Maybe I'm wrong here...

In high school and college, I've been published 3 times for both research journals, and magazines. I still have issues with my writing and totally think Nino is a better writer!!! I look at the writing in my blog and think "blech."

I hate disappointing my parents, especially my dad. He's my world - my daddy. He's 81 and I worry all the time about him passing with him not being at peace with certain areas of my life. I know I shouldn't be....but it still is tough.

I love my mother so much. so much that her opinions on things hurt me to the core.

I was in the Girl Scouts.

I prefer writing papers to taking standardize tests. I enjoy writing most times too!

Being a mother is the best thing I have ever done, and I do not take it for granted. I pray those wanting parenthood get what they dream of soon!

I find myself in a love/hate relationship with this "Things you May Not Know" List. I worry how dumb or snooty I'll look at revealing truths in my life....weird I know! Sorry!

I apologize a LOT. Bad habit, working on it.

I love adventure and new things - I'd move ANYWHERE Hubby found a job! Any takers? :)

I love traveling - I've been to Japan, Singapore, Thailand, Hong Kong, Germany, Holland, Luxemburg, a cruise to the Caribbean, and seen much of the US. I wanna see more!

I love my family - extended family too! Visiting them is fun!

I love gardens and nature. I LOVE hiking and seeing views! I love mountains, oceans, everything!

I loved our trip to the Grand Canyon. It had it all - mountains, valleys, plains, so much NATURE! I remember standing on the edge of the canyon just thanking God for his incredible planet. I want to see more of it.

I want a chance at being a SAHM, but respect all moms for doing what they need to do for their happiness and their families!

I love working out, doing water aerobics, and pilates and FIRM tapes!! They rock!

I've been lazy at working out lately :) Now getting back into it...

I am horrible at sports but love swimming and tennis.

We haven't seen or spoken with my FIL in 3 years. We try contact....it never happens. He has never met our 'offspring.' His choice! :(

If I had to pick another job, I'd be a flight attendant.

I would have loved to do Peace Corps too.

I love food - Italian, Mexican, Chinese....food in general!

I love amusement parks, fairs, carnivals, Disney.....seeing children feel the magic makes me cry.

I hate and cry at crimes against children.

I fell away from my faith in college, then found my way back in college. I especially love it now that I know why I am what I am and what I believe.

I love hearing about other people's faith journeys and beliefs!

I was born in OH, but moved to the heart of Dixie at age 5.

I have never eaten at a Crate and Barrel resturant. :)

I love certain types of shows on TV, and some reality shows. I've been known to enjoy Sci Fi too!

I LOVE reading!!!

I love children's books still.

I love movies.

I love e-mailing when I can, and blogging (and reading other blogs) when I have time.

I love talking on the phone when I can.

My favorite color is yellow - very uplifting!

I tend to see my cup as half full or overflowing most days.

I love Oprah and Dr. Phil :)

I'll cry at anything....Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, commercials, you name it!

I too, can't sew, and my cooking is VERY limited :)

I love get togethers!!!

I love taking pictures with my digital camera!!!

I've been in a movie - yes you can actually see me lol!!!

If dancing on the weekends is your thing, then take me with you!!! I love it!! I'm known for getting my groove on hehe!
________________________________________________________________

Ok, I'll copy and paste this list to not lose it again...ARGH! I probably forgot good stuff. Anyways, thanks for actually reading, and you know, these are a great way to get to know people. Fill free to do a list too whenever you have time. It was fun for me too!!!

Thanks as always, for being here...I appreciate you!