Ok - I'm sure you are ALL sick of my constant venting about the biggest stress in my life - comments against DH and our current living arrangement.
I guess I need to:
1) Vent about things I can't change (because I have tried to change ouselves and them).
2) Feel like I should confess these comments or be accountable to you all in case a 3rd perspective is good cause we are blind.
A recap of our weekend of BIG changes:
As for stress level….(and I say this with a LOT of love for my parents!) let’s just say I was THRILLED to watch my parents drive off this morning for a week. We’ll need this week to unpack, get settled, get family back in a routine (though we are adapting FAST), and calm down from all the pressure we’ve felt the past few weeks. We were going from one stressful situation from selling our 1st home, husband’s job loss – to moving in with my parents which brings in a whole new host of stresses.
Had they stayed this week, I really feel we would have never had a chance to just “be” and recoop from all the past stress. Now we’ll have a week to adapt to our new situation without have 2 sets of eyes watching us, get my meaning? Moving in was also stressful to my parents. To be fair – husband and I are not the only ones affected by the move. My parents have given of their home to let us save $$ and get on our feet, so we have to play by their rules, and they were stressed this weekend not having their space with us moving furniture and unpacking. My parents have been used to quiet, early bedtimes, and rituals. Once we have our spaces and borders defined by being unpacked and organized, I have a feeling they’ll be less stressed and that will make us less stressed.
Hubby and I had a taste of what life would have been like this week had they stayed in town. There have been lots of comments aimed our way already at our lifestyle, and in addition to unpacking our stuff, we’ve felt the pressure (and perhaps rightly so as visitors in their home) to clean things immediately (I admit a good habit - just hard when you are tired), put dishes up IMMEDIATELY after use (my parents never leave anything in the sink – I try never to, but after a long day I have chosen to put off cleaning for a few hours. Not my parents, they are more disciplined and stay on top of all chores), cook dinner, set the table (we were really casual before, now we have to cook for a family of 5 and set tables, eat together with them, etc). I haven’t taken any naps. We were wondering if my parents were “testing” us to see if we’d actually help around the house, so we went into overdrive to please them, and we are wiped out from staying on top of things plus unpacking and arranging our stuff.
Let’s see….comments we’ve gotten (and I know they came from stress from all the changes):
From mom:
“You all really need to have him look at new careers, he’ll never move ahead in this over saturated industry.”
“His past health is keeping him from getting jobs.”
“He’s been out of a job too long.”
“I hope you only have one child. Life costs too much and we don’t know how you’ll ever afford schooling for just them, let alone another child.”
“Your hubby been depressed lately. I caught him napping once instead of looking for a job a month ago when I stopped by your old home unexpectedly. He answered the door, obviously fresh from a nap. You don’t know what he does all day.”
“I can see now why your Hubby's dad has been so hard on him, he needs someone to push him.” (yet what is so weird, at other times this weekend she’s complimented all the hard work he’s done in moving, and sadness at his jerk dad – it’s almost bi-polar lol)
“I wish my daughters could have married and lived as well as I’ve been blessed to live.”
In response to a mini argument we had when I defended my husband “You think you know best, but Hubby has a LOT to prove to us in taking care of you and child and one day you’ll understand when your child is in a similar position.”
“He doesn’t know how to save $$.”
“We’re definitely seeing sides of Hubby and his capabilities that we never saw before marriage, his dad perhaps had some cause for being so strict. Hubby is just not taking care of you well enough.”
She’s also nitpicked on how I clean dishes, what type of cheese DH buys (he bought a more expensive cheese this week so she lectured us in shopping better), her worries, etc.
Again, I think had they stayed this week – it would have gotten worse, but now they are away for a week and we can unpack. We have some time to diffuse, so I’m hoping the rest of May will be better (May is our adaption month – getting used to all these changes). I think her being stressed made her as hyper-sensitive and commenting as she has been in a span of 2 days.
My dad, though more quiet, also said a something:
“It’s really killing me to see you go off to work, while he stays home.” (For the record, DH is about to get a temp job, maybe doing retail again to pass the time since he can’t find anything till he has more training and classes).
I'm a Daddy's little girl, and to hear him say this just about killed me, especially when one of the biggest reasons I love my husband is that he reminds me of my treasured dad.
The biggest sadness is how currently it seems our marriage is hurting them, depressing them. To not feel emotionally supported really hurts me to my core. The one thing I’m proudest of brings them the most pain. That’s hard for me to deal with.
Even when I know they care.
I’ve been more on edge and on the verge of feeling depressed than I’ve EVER felt, and all this weekend only. I’ve never been depressed or sad before, I felt like there was a master plan somewhere. I look forward to this week of quiet, setting up my new home, our 2 bedrooms, and taking some naps while my parents are gone and getting used to what we can and can not do in peace. Hopefully we can have things arranged that will keep my parents calm and happy on their return. We try to remember they are old/older, very traditional, opinionated, and that there are things we can’t change, and need to let go and let God so the peace stays in the house.
We certainly have been humbled lately, needing their help…so we have to try to take the high road and make this work. They are being very generous, and we are grateful.
On the positive we’ve shared a lot of laughs, and fun things with them. It has not all been bad – you just know how sensitive I am. They really are going out of their way to help us, and we do love them very much. I guess the ones you love hurt us the most at times...
Anyways…there is our recap…sorry for long…I just wanted to write things out. You know…therapy lol.
I'll try not to make this the only topic of this blog. I know you are probably wanting me over this by now. I'm doing my best. I just like being accountable somewhere.
