So? Think I'm FAT?

Take a good LONG look at me in my bathing suit (I've always liked skirted suits cause I've ALWAYS had HORRIBLE thighs, and yes, flabby arms to match - ALWAYS, even at my thinnest - also, skirts help hide my post baby, broken veins and bruising upper thighs)

Yes....these are NOT brushed up....not touched up in ANY way. This is me, arms and all.

Front View: (Careful, you may need sunglasses with my "fair" skin lol)



Side View - like my spider veins and flabby arms (oh yeah, and the skirt hides a TON of cellulite - I mean I could really donate some to starving botox patients in Hollywood and still have some to spare I have so much!!!)?


Here are my STATS:

~ currently on 5-11-05 - 148 lbs

~ Post baby weight before
weening from breastfeeding - 137 lbs
(I swear - weening made me GAIN!)

~Pre baby/Wedding weight - 135 lbs

~ lowest I got using e-diets.com
in March before moving 140 lbs

~ After move, eating out/
eating comfort food, not working
out enough ~ 148 lbs

~ Weight on my driver's licence
the past 8 years 130 lbs ;)

~ Goal weight when finished with lifestyle "makeover" - 135 lbs.

So - before reading on - how bad, or how good, do I look to you??

Now - let's read more into my story....

Ok, so in March of this year, my clothes were feeling tighter and lo and behold, I found myself tapping out at 148 (I was in the mid 150's in college - my heaviest, and lost the weight senior year to 135 lbs) so I got thought I'd work on myself to keep myself in check. I didn't feel horrible...just wanted to stay in control - either stay the same, or lose...but nothing more than 12 - 15 or so pounds.

I joined e-diets (which I recommend for any person watching their $ but wanting some guidence - GREAT programs!!!!) to become a better eater on the go, and did pretty well - I lost eight pounds. Then came the move, and honestly, I haven't been that happy and chose comfort food over healthier choices, plus did not make my regular gym appts. So, around 2 weeks ago, I started keeping a log again and working on my weight. Nothing had really changed, but Wednesday night we went out to eat with family, and apparently, the top and pants I wore were tighter, and my mom noticed. Since then, she has flipped out.

It must just be the fact that summer clothes reveal more, as obviously in the winter I was 148 and I never had any comments then....and I gained the 8 pounds back before now...so I'm lost to a reason she starts on me now, other than it is summer.

~ She has told me this is the biggest I've been and I have to stop.
~That my dad has even commented I've gotten bigger
~ that I've eaten too much fruit (too many carbs)
~ to many breads (ok, I can agree - breads and grains are GREAT comfort foods)
~ comments on foods around me - today I packed a lunch for the offspring, and was packing crackers. My mom grabbed them and said "See, THESE are YOUR problem." I looked at her and yelled "THEY ARE NOT FOR ME." I was beyond PISSED.
~I'm working out with too many weights, so my arms are expanding when I do work out.
~ that I'll be happier thinner.
~ that she'll love me no matter what, but she doesn't want me to throw my life away. for food.

Am I wrong here, or should she be supporting me in another way?

She is obviously scared I'm going to do become bigger - but at this point, unless I throw all excercising out the window and only eat junk, that won't happen. I really think 148 is my cap for a while - but who cares if I do a bit more? I'm not obese, or even near a chronic overweight measurement. I could understand an intervention at that point for them to make sure I'm around for my kids, but for now, I've gained some and I could simply be trimmer, and it is MY struggle and one I recognized already. I was trying to work on it already.

At this point, fill free to tell me if I'm just blind, and really need to lose weight - I mean seriously. Maybe I'm wrong for still feeling sexy around my husband? Let me know if I have serious health problem....

The "problem" is - I feel pretty good about myself. Sure, I'd love to shed a few pounds (who doesn't, I mean that honestly - unless you need to gain a few as some do, or are a dieter who reached their GOAL) but otherwise, I still feel good.

I was happy with the 8 pounds I lost, so I know I CAN do it, so I've been kind of cruising. Now I've gotten back into it after moving and seeing my stress level has not been helped by eating. I'd rather be more active. Plus, people (including my mom, which SO confused me...1 month ago when I said I was changing eating habits said "Oh you look fine, don't overdo it...be careful!!!") have said I look great. So, my motivation was low since I was ok with me, and people were ok with me (though it really should be about what I feel - not the world).

So, really, the only reason I want to lose any weight, is to just work on having a healthy lifestyle, and the by product of that is a trimmer me by a few pounds. My clothing size should not even change!!! It is about me and my decisions.

So why do I feel so PISSED at my mom's comments if they go with what I want for myself currently?

Maybe I'm just pissed at my mom making this about her it seems. If she can't fault my hubby more, let's fault me? The shitty thing is now I'm scared if I do lose the weight I want....or just become healthier like I want....she'll just attribute the success of that goal to HER and her comments. Whether we live her, or move out, she'll assume that if the lifestyle change is made.

Have you ever seen the Steve M*rtin movie, "Parenthood"? There is one scene where the really skinny fit sister comes home from working out to her hubby Rick M*ranis and he gives her a hard time about her wanting to have another baby, etc and when he leaves the room she goes to her closet, opens a secret box of junk food and digs around for a cupcake and STUFFS it in her mouth while glaring in his direction, gesturing "Take this mister!!!"? Well, if you have, that's how I felt ALL day. In fact, I enjoyed some more comfort food today while out visiting with other family while the whole time I mentally flashed the finger at my mom with every bite. Yeah...immature choice, but I wanted to do something SO not what she wanted or could control....(and NO - I did NOT binge eat...or will this decision making become a problem for me personally) But...there IS something wrong with feeling like I wanted or needed to do that.....healthy choices should not come because of that type of pressure.

So I guess that is the subject of this blog entry. The delicate balance of being both happy with myself, plus wanting to make some healthy changes that have a pleasant bi-product with the fine line what is "fat" and "who considers us fat." Am I blind, does she have a valid point that is coming out wrong and I don't want to hear, that I can't see the flaws in the pictures above, is she crazy, am I crazy?

As women (or men reading) where is the line? I'm sick of what society says, what magazines show, what movies portray. What type of commentary is helpful? What do I need to hear?

I may feel flabby in places, flutter in the wind at times in public when I wave, and have looser skin in places - but I feel damn sexy most of the time. I'm now on a personally driven journey to make a few changes if you care to join me. I'd like to take back my life THANK YOU VER Y MUCH from the world and society, and my mother. But I want your honest outlook too. Go ahead, let me here it.

Think I'm fat NOW?

Things You May Not Know About Me *EDITED*

ok - I'm pissed, because when I posted this list....it got lost. DAMN!! The "recovery" feature found some of it...I'll have to do my best to bring the rest back from my memory.

Inspired by reading some past entries, I thought I'd try to work up a list of my own:

Things You May Not Know About Me:

I'm 27 years old, but sometimes when people ask me my age, I forget and say a year younger lol.

I have a lot of nicknames that go with my name.

I LOVE what I do for a living, but wish for a break sometimes to have a chance to raise my children.

I love singing and being in musicals or singing casually with friends! Karreokee (sp?) is FUN!

I love my husband - God was wonderful is sending him to me. I feel very blessed in my marriage. Like some - I feel I have a rare and blessed marriage.

I'm glad I was friends with my DH first before we dated.

I was raised very sheltered and my parents still have a hard time letting that go.

I was never allowed to date (dances - yes, groupdating - yes, but not really alone date) so many of my first boyfriends were more "wild." Maybe in rebellion?? My parents never knew I dated them. I always had crushes on "nice" boys, but they always saw me as a friend and never dated me.

For me dating more "wild" guys - I never did more than french kiss them. Makes me wonder how wild they really were lol!

My first kiss was in back of the organ (we were hiding out during a church picnic) with one nice, but wild guy. It was awkard lol.

Aside from one homecoming dance, I always had to ask for my dates to dances.

My first boyfriend committed suicide in college. We were together though in high school.

I am a major Daddy's girl. I love my dad, and admire him. He is a war veteran and I'm patriotic because of him.

I love traveling - I'll go ANYWHERE.

I love planes.

I love car trips - did I mention I love traveling? :)

I love learning about other cultures!!!

I love living in a big city, but have always loved small towns.

I love a sense of community.

I'm FIRCELY loyal to my family and friends. I can sometimes come on too strong. I love people I care about so much (so readers beware lol). I really treasure my friends.

I want to nurture those I love sometimes to a fault. I can be annoying I fear.

This past year has found me, in my opinion, not being the best friend to people I could be. I've been exposed to friends and friendship that has HUMBLED me. I am blessed.

I never had any real friends till high school. I was the class/school scapegoat for 8 years.

I think I'm a better person because of my painful past...I think I'm a better friend, and I know my kids will be better people because of it too. I will not stand for that crap!

I finally dated in college - I had some serious boyfriends, and some werid ones too! I had a few "first dates only's" as well.

The only boyfriend I have ever been intimate with was my husband.

I love anything historical. The feeling of history in a place, story, object thrills me!

I have been playing the violin since I was 5. I used to be much better than I am, now I never have time to practice like I should.

I studied violin in Japan briefly.

I attended the same summer music academies as Josh Groban and Jewel.

I was in the World Youth Symphony Orchestra for a summer - it was an INCREDIBLE experience.

I have a double major in music and history.

I have to battle at showing my smarts. I feel I am a very smart person, but in high school I barely made a 900 on my SAT's. Thank God my college also looked for "well rounded" students.

I did better in college than in high school academically. I made Dean's List every year and "Who's Who."

I am doing much better in grad school as well.

As a person of history, I really find it annoying how we refer to ourselves as "American," when Canadians, Central, and South Americans are entitled to that as well. We do not own the term! I also disagree to how our goverment labels race. I think it perpetuates things we need to overcome! Maybe I'm wrong here...

In high school and college, I've been published 3 times for both research journals, and magazines. I still have issues with my writing and totally think Nino is a better writer!!! I look at the writing in my blog and think "blech."

I hate disappointing my parents, especially my dad. He's my world - my daddy. He's 81 and I worry all the time about him passing with him not being at peace with certain areas of my life. I know I shouldn't be....but it still is tough.

I love my mother so much. so much that her opinions on things hurt me to the core.

I was in the Girl Scouts.

I prefer writing papers to taking standardize tests. I enjoy writing most times too!

Being a mother is the best thing I have ever done, and I do not take it for granted. I pray those wanting parenthood get what they dream of soon!

I find myself in a love/hate relationship with this "Things you May Not Know" List. I worry how dumb or snooty I'll look at revealing truths in my life....weird I know! Sorry!

I apologize a LOT. Bad habit, working on it.

I love adventure and new things - I'd move ANYWHERE Hubby found a job! Any takers? :)

I love traveling - I've been to Japan, Singapore, Thailand, Hong Kong, Germany, Holland, Luxemburg, a cruise to the Caribbean, and seen much of the US. I wanna see more!

I love my family - extended family too! Visiting them is fun!

I love gardens and nature. I LOVE hiking and seeing views! I love mountains, oceans, everything!

I loved our trip to the Grand Canyon. It had it all - mountains, valleys, plains, so much NATURE! I remember standing on the edge of the canyon just thanking God for his incredible planet. I want to see more of it.

I want a chance at being a SAHM, but respect all moms for doing what they need to do for their happiness and their families!

I love working out, doing water aerobics, and pilates and FIRM tapes!! They rock!

I've been lazy at working out lately :) Now getting back into it...

I am horrible at sports but love swimming and tennis.

We haven't seen or spoken with my FIL in 3 years. We try contact....it never happens. He has never met our 'offspring.' His choice! :(

If I had to pick another job, I'd be a flight attendant.

I would have loved to do Peace Corps too.

I love food - Italian, Mexican, Chinese....food in general!

I love amusement parks, fairs, carnivals, Disney.....seeing children feel the magic makes me cry.

I hate and cry at crimes against children.

I fell away from my faith in college, then found my way back in college. I especially love it now that I know why I am what I am and what I believe.

I love hearing about other people's faith journeys and beliefs!

I was born in OH, but moved to the heart of Dixie at age 5.

I have never eaten at a Crate and Barrel resturant. :)

I love certain types of shows on TV, and some reality shows. I've been known to enjoy Sci Fi too!

I LOVE reading!!!

I love children's books still.

I love movies.

I love e-mailing when I can, and blogging (and reading other blogs) when I have time.

I love talking on the phone when I can.

My favorite color is yellow - very uplifting!

I tend to see my cup as half full or overflowing most days.

I love Oprah and Dr. Phil :)

I'll cry at anything....Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, commercials, you name it!

I too, can't sew, and my cooking is VERY limited :)

I love get togethers!!!

I love taking pictures with my digital camera!!!

I've been in a movie - yes you can actually see me lol!!!

If dancing on the weekends is your thing, then take me with you!!! I love it!! I'm known for getting my groove on hehe!
________________________________________________________________

Ok, I'll copy and paste this list to not lose it again...ARGH! I probably forgot good stuff. Anyways, thanks for actually reading, and you know, these are a great way to get to know people. Fill free to do a list too whenever you have time. It was fun for me too!!!

Thanks as always, for being here...I appreciate you!

I'm Too Stressed

Hopefully soon I can write about it. But it pretty much all I've already posted. I just don't have the energy to rehash it. Ever feel like this?

I'm hoping since we've only all be together just a week (they were gone before) we are just in transition and the comments will stop. We've only been here 2 weeks. If not, I pray we get $$ to be able to GET OUT soon. We just can't use our reserve funds at this time...they need to stay protected.

I just need strength....the comments and sadness from them are overwhelming. Oh yeah...and the guilt trips.

But we'll save all that for later, shall we?

Ok..My Therapy Vent

Ok - I'm sure you are ALL sick of my constant venting about the biggest stress in my life - comments against DH and our current living arrangement.

I guess I need to:
1) Vent about things I can't change (because I have tried to change ouselves and them).
2) Feel like I should confess these comments or be accountable to you all in case a 3rd perspective is good cause we are blind.

A recap of our weekend of BIG changes:

As for stress level….(and I say this with a LOT of love for my parents!) let’s just say I was THRILLED to watch my parents drive off this morning for a week. We’ll need this week to unpack, get settled, get family back in a routine (though we are adapting FAST), and calm down from all the pressure we’ve felt the past few weeks. We were going from one stressful situation from selling our 1st home, husband’s job loss – to moving in with my parents which brings in a whole new host of stresses.

Had they stayed this week, I really feel we would have never had a chance to just “be” and recoop from all the past stress. Now we’ll have a week to adapt to our new situation without have 2 sets of eyes watching us, get my meaning? Moving in was also stressful to my parents. To be fair – husband and I are not the only ones affected by the move. My parents have given of their home to let us save $$ and get on our feet, so we have to play by their rules, and they were stressed this weekend not having their space with us moving furniture and unpacking. My parents have been used to quiet, early bedtimes, and rituals. Once we have our spaces and borders defined by being unpacked and organized, I have a feeling they’ll be less stressed and that will make us less stressed.

Hubby and I had a taste of what life would have been like this week had they stayed in town. There have been lots of comments aimed our way already at our lifestyle, and in addition to unpacking our stuff, we’ve felt the pressure (and perhaps rightly so as visitors in their home) to clean things immediately (I admit a good habit - just hard when you are tired), put dishes up IMMEDIATELY after use (my parents never leave anything in the sink – I try never to, but after a long day I have chosen to put off cleaning for a few hours. Not my parents, they are more disciplined and stay on top of all chores), cook dinner, set the table (we were really casual before, now we have to cook for a family of 5 and set tables, eat together with them, etc). I haven’t taken any naps. We were wondering if my parents were “testing” us to see if we’d actually help around the house, so we went into overdrive to please them, and we are wiped out from staying on top of things plus unpacking and arranging our stuff.

Let’s see….comments we’ve gotten (and I know they came from stress from all the changes):

From mom:

“You all really need to have him look at new careers, he’ll never move ahead in this over saturated industry.”

“His past health is keeping him from getting jobs.”

“He’s been out of a job too long.”

“I hope you only have one child. Life costs too much and we don’t know how you’ll ever afford schooling for just them, let alone another child.”

“Your hubby been depressed lately. I caught him napping once instead of looking for a job a month ago when I stopped by your old home unexpectedly. He answered the door, obviously fresh from a nap. You don’t know what he does all day.”

“I can see now why your Hubby's dad has been so hard on him, he needs someone to push him.” (yet what is so weird, at other times this weekend she’s complimented all the hard work he’s done in moving, and sadness at his jerk dad – it’s almost bi-polar lol)

“I wish my daughters could have married and lived as well as I’ve been blessed to live.”

In response to a mini argument we had when I defended my husband “You think you know best, but Hubby has a LOT to prove to us in taking care of you and child and one day you’ll understand when your child is in a similar position.”

“He doesn’t know how to save $$.”

“We’re definitely seeing sides of Hubby and his capabilities that we never saw before marriage, his dad perhaps had some cause for being so strict. Hubby is just not taking care of you well enough.”

She’s also nitpicked on how I clean dishes, what type of cheese DH buys (he bought a more expensive cheese this week so she lectured us in shopping better), her worries, etc.

Again, I think had they stayed this week – it would have gotten worse, but now they are away for a week and we can unpack. We have some time to diffuse, so I’m hoping the rest of May will be better (May is our adaption month – getting used to all these changes). I think her being stressed made her as hyper-sensitive and commenting as she has been in a span of 2 days.


My dad, though more quiet, also said a something:

“It’s really killing me to see you go off to work, while he stays home.” (For the record, DH is about to get a temp job, maybe doing retail again to pass the time since he can’t find anything till he has more training and classes).

I'm a Daddy's little girl, and to hear him say this just about killed me, especially when one of the biggest reasons I love my husband is that he reminds me of my treasured dad.

The biggest sadness is how currently it seems our marriage is hurting them, depressing them. To not feel emotionally supported really hurts me to my core. The one thing I’m proudest of brings them the most pain. That’s hard for me to deal with.
Even when I know they care.

I’ve been more on edge and on the verge of feeling depressed than I’ve EVER felt, and all this weekend only. I’ve never been depressed or sad before, I felt like there was a master plan somewhere. I look forward to this week of quiet, setting up my new home, our 2 bedrooms, and taking some naps while my parents are gone and getting used to what we can and can not do in peace. Hopefully we can have things arranged that will keep my parents calm and happy on their return. We try to remember they are old/older, very traditional, opinionated, and that there are things we can’t change, and need to let go and let God so the peace stays in the house.

We certainly have been humbled lately, needing their help…so we have to try to take the high road and make this work. They are being very generous, and we are grateful.

On the positive we’ve shared a lot of laughs, and fun things with them. It has not all been bad – you just know how sensitive I am. They really are going out of their way to help us, and we do love them very much. I guess the ones you love hurt us the most at times...

Anyways…there is our recap…sorry for long…I just wanted to write things out. You know…therapy lol.

I'll try not to make this the only topic of this blog. I know you are probably wanting me over this by now. I'm doing my best. I just like being accountable somewhere.

Wanna know more about me?

You'll learn some secrets about me in a fun place - get my drift? Hopefully one day this week I can blog more about them.

For now...I'm just too tired. Dang - it takes so much effort to survive sometimes!!!!

* just so one knows....things are actually ok....I have a few things to share, but also trying to let things go and chalk things up to the drastic 24 hour change. We'll have a bigger problem if after a few weeks things keep getting commented...even out of love. I do want to note how grateful we are, and how much we do know we are loved and how huge it is for them to do this. VERY giving and a sacrifice. I do write this with a grateful, if not nervous, heart.

*GASP*

First off - thanks to all the comments to the below entries....sorry I've been AWOL - it's been busy lately. Welcome to all of you!!!! Welcome to a dose of reality, my style.

Next....the point of this brief, but important entry....

For the first time in months - MONTHS - (ok we've had some, but mostly the "mercy" type for him after all he's been through and done for me....I've just been too tired to be "all there" - I've even fallen asleep once.....WHAT THE HECK???!!!!) my husband and I had a ROMANTIC, INTIMATE, AMAZING, Friday.

I got off work early, and we were pretty much alone most of the afternoon because of
"nap schedules" and OH. MY. GOSH. I was so not stressed, and feeling in love, and feeling like I did pre-motherhood....it was incredible.

We took our time....drew it out...never said a word....and it was all LOVE and passion, in sync (hense no words needed), natural, new, adventurous....

The evening after bedtime was much of the same....it was amazing. It was like all the stress and crap was GONE and we were back in the early days. The intimate side of our marriage needed that....badly.

The rest of the weekend brought back reality - but we still could hold on to those moments....and could look at each other slyly, with a wink and a smile and a touch.

I'm still smiling.

It's Hard Work to be Positive

I always have heard it takes much more energy and muscles to frown than to smile, so why am I so tired from trying to be upbeat and positive all the time?

Let's see - still haven't recieved the news we've been dreaming of, and on top of all that - my parents came back into town, chock full of info after being with their friends all week, and had more "advice" for us - depressing advice.

Let me state for the record that I truly value other opinions, especially our elders. I truly believe in honoring them as well - especially our parents. And I know this blog probably fails to show how much I LOVE my parents, and how close we are to them.

Maybe that is why their words hurt more? We feel like we are worrying them too much, or letting them down? I think when we try to respond to their concerns with "ok, thanks, we'll work on that and we'll be ok" - they assume we are not listening them, being naive, or making mistakes. Maybe we are - but I swear we do listen to them....but the 'repetitiveness' and the worry that comes with their comments are stress I can't take easily, so I say things back as nicely as possible to make them stop which makes them say we are being young and not listening to their wisdom. It scares me also about parenting - how can I be there for my kids when they are in their adult years and not make them feel this stress and pain that I and DH feel? I cry so often over this.

Basically, they came back with all this advice from their retired friends thinking that DH is flagged, and will never get a job, short of begging, because of being so sick and missing so much work. They think we should realy look at other options of jobs, and we are in denial that he'll ever get a good enough job that I can stay home. They think his interviewers find out his father never finished paying his college tuition and don't like him for that. They say they also find out DH missed tons of work from illness. They think because DH does computers, and not what his major is (music) that companies don't like that either. They are trying to get DH to look into other careers, and he isn't ready to do that. Maybe they are right....it sounds possible.

They keep telling me how sorry they feel for me (I don't need that expressed to me, just makes me feel like I'm letting them down), they feel bad that I married a man who has no family (lots of dysfunction) and just make so many comments to "help" us, but I feel broken down by all they say. They RAVED about him before I married him....then things changed. They claim to love him now, but also make so many sad comments about their faith in him. It tires us out to live as wisely as we can. My parents are in our heads now....every decision we make....because we know somehow, they'll mention it later.

I struggle - are we not listening to good wisdom? Are they coming on too strong? I just want to do what's right.

I also think, and my mom agreed on the phone, we may try to live with them a month or so, but we'll also look for a tiny, $$ saving, one bedroom apartment. I think it would help all our nerves, plus keep DH and I feeling like we are doing some things on our own, and not using their generosity. Yes, we could use a few months off from house payments and rent like they offered, but I'm not sure about our stress level. My dad is going to be 82 this year (he DOES NOT look even 70 - he jogs 3 miles a day, does tennis, drives fine, takes care of a 2 story home, he flew lear jets till 75 when pilots in their 20s an 30s could not get the special tests passed...etc) but his age is catching up to him, and gets colds easily, and my mom can get stressed, frustrated, and upset easily....especially when it comes to me or any of her kids.

Anyways, I just feel so depressed over all this, and my faith fluctuates in this waiting game of DH's job. Are my parents correct and we just have not accepted a very dark frustrating future? Are they being too worried?

All I know is we have never felt more stressed, fought as much over what he is doing and capable of doing, and just trying to find a way to get us back on track. When we make plans and our own decisions, we are never worried about the future (is that being blind or naive?)....but get stressed, upset, and fight after any conversation with them (BTW, we're fine...no worries on our marriage - but daily stress like that just is so sad, you know?).

I'm so tired of this....so depressed, and staying upbeat and full of faith makes me feel so tired. It's hard work gosh darnit!!!